Michael Schwern

Schwern round tuit oscon 2005

Biography

Schwern has a copy of Perl 6, he lets Larry Wall borrow it and take notes.

Schwern once sneezed into a microphone and the text-to-speech conversion was a regex that turns crap into gold.

Damian Conway and Schwern once had an arm wrestling contest. The superposition still hasn’t collapsed.

Schwern was the keynote speaker at the first YAPC::Mars.

When Schwern runs a smoke test, the fire department is notified.

Dan Brown analyzed a JAPH Schwern wrote and discovered it contained the Bible.

Schwern writes Perl code that writes Makefiles that write shell scripts on VMS.

Schwern does not commit to master, master commits to Schwern.

SETI broadcast some of Schwern’s Perl code into space. 8 years later they got a reply thanking them for the improved hyper drive plans.

Schwern once accidentally typed “git pull —hard” and dragged Github’s server room 10 miles.

There are no free namespaces on CPAN, there are just modules Schwern has not written yet.

Schwern’s tears are said to cure cancer, unfortunately his Perl code gives it right back.

Open Source Bridge 2013

Sessions for this user

* Simple Questions Should Have Simple Answers

What happens when a project begins to embrace the philosophy that simple questions should have simple answers? Q: Simple to whom? A: Simple to the person asking the question. "Simple questions should have simple answers" has given me a lot of design clarity in my projects. I hope to convince you of its beneficial effects.
Culture
Michael Schwern

Open Source Bridge 2012

Sessions for this user

* Text Lacks Empathy

Have you ever written a nice friendly email and gotten a reply that seems like they read a whole different email? Textual communication has special problems. This talk will help you mitigate them: ensuring that what you mean to say is what is understood; interpreting messages that seem totally out of whack; and increasing empathic bandwidth.
Culture
Michael Schwern, Noirin Plunkett

* The Style of Style Guides

When you code, should you indent 2, 4 or 8 characters? Where should you put the braces? What should your variables and functions be named? Is it worth having an argument about any of this? This talk offers an analytical approach to deciding which elements of style will benefit your code. We'll discover which is the "best style" and which is the style you should use.
Chemistry
Michael Schwern

Proposals for this user

* Player vs Player Economics

Just for the lulz, players in EVE Online (a Massively Multiplayer Online game [MMO]) replicated an energy crisis. Carefully attacking a source of fuel caused shortages of critical equipment and price ripples throughout the game. This shortage drove alliances of thousands into conflict over shifting resources. For most of the hundreds of thousands of players, they knew nothing of the economics, they just knew the game got more exciting.
Chemistry 2012-03-15 21:14:17 +0000
Michael Schwern

Open Source Bridge 2010

Sessions for this user

* How To Report A Bug

Bug reports drive Open Source, but too often it's a hostile experience. As a user, how do you report a bug without being treated like you're dumping a sack of crap on the developer's doorstep? As a developer, how do you encourage users to report bugs? This is not a tutorial, but an examination of the social aspects of bug reporting.
Cooking
Michael Schwern

* Your Internets are Leaking

Using your computer on a public network is like having a conversation on a city bus: people you don't know can hear everything you say. They'll probably be polite and ignore you, but you still might not want to shout out your credit card number. Yet this is what your computer does. All the time. And you don't know it.
Cooking
Reid Beels, Michael Schwern

Proposals for this user

* Code Happier With The Cycle: Code, Test, Fail, Diff, Fix, Pass, Commit, Repeat

If I could convince developers of one thing it would be this: Writing tests and using version control together during development is the simplest way to improve your life. So I will.
Cooking 2010-03-26 01:12:49 +0000
Michael Schwern

* Git (Mostly) For Drupal

A crash course in git with a slant towards the special techniques needed by Drupal projects. Other developers will also find it useful.
Cooking 2010-03-26 01:31:46 +0000
Michael Schwern

* perl5i: Perl 5 Improved

perl5i is a single module bringing together the best magic Perl programmers have to offer catapulting the basic language forward. Suddenly everything is an object! Functions return objects and throw exceptions! You don't have to load six modules to work with files! Perl 5 is fun again!
Hacks 2010-03-26 00:52:24 +0000
Michael Schwern

* REPENT!!! FOR THE END OF THE UNIX EPOCH IS NIGH!!!

SINNERS!! HEAR ME!! For too long have you lain contented and SLOTHFUL in the illusion that time is infinite! SOON the UNIX EPOCH will END and numbers will OVERFLOW their confines CLEANSING all in a flood the likes we have not seen since 1901!!! The SINS of your 32 BITS will chase your children and your children's children unless you REPENT NOW and cleanse your code of the 2038 BUG!!
Chemistry 2010-03-26 00:33:39 +0000
Michael Schwern

Open Source Bridge 2009

Sessions for this user

* Is the Web Down: a Practical Tutorial on How the Web Works

You click on a link and you can't get to your favorite web site. Now what? Is the web site down? Is it your connection? Is it something in between? How can you figure out what's wrong if you don't know how it works? We'll show you everything that happens after you click a link so next time the web site is down you'll know what to do to fix it.
Chemistry
Michael Schwern, Joshua Keroes

Proposals for this user

* End Testlessness

Everyone who writes code but is not comfortable writing tests should attend this session. Whether its because you don't know how or don't get it or don't think you have the time or don't think it's worthwhile. We'll show how to write tests and how they let you write code faster, safer and better. By the end of this session, everyone attending will have written tests.
Cooking 2009-03-24 05:59:00 +0000
Michael Schwern

* How Good Open Source Software Happens or "How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Just Released My Code"

Where do people get ideas for Open Source projects? How do you decide if your personal project is worth releasing to the world? Will anyone use it? One of the most prolific and successful Perl authors will give his insights on balancing sharing, selfishness and who gets to run the Open Source world.
Culture 2009-03-24 05:21:52 +0000
Michael Schwern

* How To Lie Like A Geek

Geeks have a special relationship with The Truth. Nothing is more important than correcting a falsehood, no matter how small, and nothing is more odious than not telling The Truth. Unfortunately the meaning is often mangled and the end result is the opposite, a lie. This leads to misunderstanding, mangled interfaces and the myth of the stupid user.
Culture 2009-03-22 01:58:05 +0000
Michael Schwern

* I'm "ok", you're "not ok": The Test Anything Protocol

TAP(Test Anything Protocol) is a simple way to write tests in any language, in any environment, using any style. See tests written in Perl, Ruby, Python, Shell, Javascript, C, PHP and Postgres all come together in one test suite. Learn how to write your own testing functions, tailored to your needs. Archive your test results and watch your test suite grow!
Chemistry 2009-03-24 05:43:29 +0000
Michael Schwern

* Perl is Undead

Everyone knows Perl is dead and Perl 6, that long-delayed second system design by committee mistake, will never be released, and all Perl code is unreadable, executable line noise... right? Real-live modern Perl programmers will prove that wrong.
Chemistry 2009-04-11 01:44:27 +0000
Michael Schwern, Chromatic X